Cooking & Me

This topic came about in my head cause honestly I am hungry and too lazy to cook anything right now. Ordering in is easy somehow dont even feel like doing that too, the phone is too far away and dont feel like ordering on the web. I am hoping by the time I finish this I would have made up my mind either to cook or to order let's see how it ends.

People have this misconception that men can't cook which would be very true for my dad, boiling water is a difficult task for him, some of my uncles, some of my dads friends, actually most of them, some of my friends and it was applicable to me some time back, not now. I can COOK to save my life.

So how did this happen? I just tried real hard to think back when I did anything in the kitchen which resembled like cooking something and I remember trying to make eggs. Let me give you all a background first about me. I am a Bengali, born & brought up in Calcutta...now known as Kolkata in a simple Bengali household. One thing you learn very quick even when you are a child is that you DONOT meddle, mess about or do anything in Mum's Kitchen other than just keeping the dish in the sink after you are done, pour some water so it will be easier to clean later. That's about it!! You don't cut veggies, you dont even dare to pick up one of the frying pans to do something in the kitchen even when mum is not around. That is how it was. All you had to do is study & when hungry shout "Ma, I'am hungry" and something magically will appear out of the kitchen just for your delight.

All this discrimination is because you are a boy. Yes it is discrimination, we never got an opportunity to even learn something. If we interfered a little, a stern voice from inside the kitchen will say "Ei bero ekhan theke." meaning get out of the kitchen, get lost, shoo shoo, go away!...much like getting rid of a pest. No wonder most of the Bengali girls are master chefs by the time they hit college. That is part of their untold curriculum which they learn from Mums, Grans, Aunties and so on. Unfair but true. Never mind moving on.

What they say, Adversity is the best education/teacher, blah blah blah.....well whoever said that is RIGHT! So when I left home and came to Bangalore home cooked meal was a luxury only available at one friends place than, since he knew how to cook. We were very few of us in Bangalore back in those days, now it is like crazy like half of the population of Calcutta is here. So whenever I used to visit his place I used to curiously ask about like how he did this, how he did that and thought in my head if only I could. By the way, he had one of the weirdest, most irritating room mates that ever was, one of the reason I never got myself a roommate.

So there I was, a bachelor, all alone, no cooking skills and money running short, limited income so can't keep on eating out. All the options available for me eating out in the place I was staying that time around was Authentic South Indian Thali, all veg which I must tell you after you get used to it the portions are large and its cheap. Not bad at all. However I am a Northie also Bengali...egg is my favorite vegetable, I got to have something non-veg.

When I moved to Bangalore all I asked to be sent from home was my two couches(they are still with me, one is half broken hence lodges my bags and other miscellaneous stuff and another one is functional but well has got beer stains and all that...very comfy for me...horribly disgusting for visitors), my TV, my home PC,my sets of comic books(never received), my Sega & games(never received), my bed, my pillows and lastly my comforter.

One fine morning a massive truck parked in my front of my home and they started unloading stuff. The truck was full. Mum and I think might be partially dad too coz he just loves to pack has sent over things which can easily be good enough for at least 3 different families of 4 people each. The kitchen stuff which she sent I still dont use 75% of them. All are resting quietly in the loft. I mean it had everything I knew and things I had no clue what they were suppose to be used for but there they were all dumped in my home and I had no clue what to do with them other than trying to unpack the TV, bed, pillows, comforter and the couches and start watching something. The rest of the stuff I just somehow shoved them into different places didnot think much to be honest.

So now to cooking. I started small. Instant noodles. Bought like 10-12 packs of them. My landlord was kind to me, gave me cooking gas for free. Than I got a little bold got myself some eggs. And what you know lunch, dinner, breakfast was all smooth. I got some onions, cut those, put them in noodles. And for the first one and a half week I was just fine. I even started making coffee for myself. Since I didnot have no fridge so hence no milk, hence black coffee. Boil water, put sugar, put Bru instant in cup mix once water is boiled and bingo I was in heaven.

After the euphoria of first week was over I had tummy upset. I felt nauseated just by the thought of noodles. At office I ate curd rice. I hated it. But ate it none the less. So then there was weekend and there was I was standing in my kitchen with garbage piled up, some onions lying there, one pack of bread, some eggs and I think like maybe if I remember right 2 packs of Maggi that is all and I am thinking now what?

Couldn't think of anything other than calling Ma. So called her and casually & confidently like yea I know what I am doing so like completely grown up since its Saturday and everyone goes to the market I am gonna go to market so, Ma, like how do you used to make that chicken?

Ma was like laughing so hard. And I am pretending to be offended yet I am not, however I got to get that information out. But she wont stop laughing. And I am getting annoyed now. So than it was over to dad. First question- Did you just tell your mother you are going to the market? Answer is Yes. So tell me something have you made the list? And I am like, oh no! what list? OMG there is a list? What does that even mean? You guys might think I am making this all up. I am not. I had gone with dad to market but only to carry bags and nothing else. I had no idea what he was talking about. Than of course he started bragging of the 900 years of shopping experience that he has, yet every time he came back from the market I distinctly remember mum screaming and shouting at him like all is wrong, however never mind that. So after like an hour and half of lots of discussion it was REMOTELY decided that I should start with vegetables and not chicken.

I got a list over the phone. Spices(names I never heard of), some veggies which all looked the same for me, potatoes, onions, tomatoes, garlic, ginger, get paste of ginger & garlic, cloves, cinnamon, garam masala, half a pumpkin, dal etc etc. Now all of you must know about this part. All the instructions, name of the veggies, spices are in Bengali and I am in Bangalore. Bangalore is in Southern India, they speak different regional language and it's freaking difficult to tell the shopkeeper what you want if you DONT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR cause it is lost in translation!! I didnot shop nothing. Came back home very dejected, read the word of God for a while, felt sad for being such an incompetent person. Made an omelette, got bread(no fridge=no butter) and went to sleep. Saturday done.

Sunday morning, my neighbor and my bro, we are still bros. He had a bike. I told him dude, I dont know what all this means man can you take me to the shopping mall, at least they will be written in English, I will be able to make out something. Those days Bangalore was a sleepy town not as robust as today, so malls were not that easily available especially from where I lived. He took me to one. There I was. I saw all the uncles & aunts, mum & dads, annoying kids and all that happily going about, standing in long queues with trawler full of stuff. So me and my friend started with it. First thing first, get a trawler. Done. Now locate veggie section. Done. Identify veggies, easily done. Just not sure what kind of gourd I picked, they were all green. Bottle Gourd, Long Gourd, god knows what. Never mind. Half a pumkin check. Tomatoes, Potatoes(oooh on discount, buy more), Onions, Green chilli, beans, dont know what beans, it said beans and all done. Now to the spices section. First thing first, call home. So called home, asked mum what all those spices are called in English. After that it was easy like anything. And right buy rice.

 So there I was. All accomplished. Feeling absolutely delighted with two really heavy bags on both hands. Confident. Only trouble was getting on the bike and coming back home. It did hurt.

Once home, quick shower and there was I in the kitchen. Rookie mistake of course, you dont get into the kitchen all showered and fresh. And now to my cooking. I was going to make a vegetable stew. That is all!

I never ever knew how horrible it is to cut vegetables, I have become faster and faster as I have progressed through years but still it is a pain. No electronic stuff, no nothing all hands & sweat.

So started with the easy ones:
Slice & chop tomatoes - excellent well done. Chopped and sliced like 7-8 of them like a Ninja.
Peel Potatoes- Peeled one. It took time. So after that, just washed potatoes again 8 or 9 of them and sliced them like right,left & center.
Cut Pumpkin in small cubes- hmm, here I got stuck. There were seeds & sticky, thready stuff in the pumpkin Mum never said what to do with these? Call home. No reply. Hmmm. Never mind. Looks not right, take out seeds and the sticky, thready stuff. After that wash pumkin. Cut pumpkin into small pieces. It's hard. Not easy to cut. Never mind succeeded.
Cut gourd - easily achieved
Slice and than make Onion paste - Tears as usual.

Heat Yok - done
Pour oil - done
Put Bay leaf - done
Put  dry red chilli - done
Stir for a while - done
OMG now what.
Call home. No answer. Hmm

I was pretty sure there was a sequence to follow. I didnot have internet connection in my place than, so no online help.

Now common sense came into play. Only thing was I put the tomatoes & green chillies first before the onion paste. Nothing else. I just knew I had to make it into a gravy.

So now there I was. Something is missing. So than I put the onion paste. Something still isn't right. I dont know if you all remember but there is a distinct smell that gets buried in your brains from childhood when Mum is in the kitchen and cooking. I remembered that smell and that is how I put ginger & garlic paste in the yok. And there it was the smell. How awesome.

Stirred it for a while, than got a little bored, switched on TV, surfed for a while and came back. Than stirred it a while longer and than to hell with it, put in all the cut veggies one after the other, sprinkled it with some turmeric powder, some salt, and like 2 full containers of water. Covered with lid.

Washed the rice. Put it on cooker and than doorbell rang.

My friend was outside and I was like what's up, cooking here. And he is like so beer? And I was like oh yea sure lets go. So we went. Plan was to get some beer and some roasted beef. Get home. And have beer, watch football and once the food is done will have nice home cooked meal.

We got our  stuff & hurried back home. Now checking in kitchen, rice is done. So got that off. Took the lid of the yok, poked the potatoes a bit and it was done, but something was wrong. The gourd & the pumpkin they were as hard as ever? Tasted the gravy and it was bitter. What the hell!!

So my friend suggested we put some sugar in and after a while when it did not do much he said put some tomato sauce in and than finally we put some chilly sauce too. I was not too sure what I had managed to cook. Anyways it was almost more than an hour and I gave up. I took it off the gas. Poured the gravy in the bowl and rice was already made and we were both very happy. At least some roasted beef, vegetable stew & rice. Home cooked meal. First time.

Ok, no one told me I had to cut the skin of the pumkin, the skin of the gourd, never put chilly sauce into things if you already have dried red chilly, green chilly, cutting 8 or 9 potatoes is not cool. You need to take the skin out too. 8-9 tomatoes is not cool either. You need to put the cinnamon stick into the oil first not after you have put the veggies in and remember that oh you forgot the cinnamon stick and lastly water needs to be proportionate. Moral of the story there is a very good reason why there are steps & procedures in cooking, timing involved, portions etc etc. I know it now.

It might surprise you all however we did eat the stew. We felt weird but rice & just roasted beef, too dry and so there had to be gravy. I still remember the taste of it. It was HORRIBLE. Tried taking a bite of the pumkin and it was not cooked. The potatoes the skin was floating around in the Atlantic Ocean of water. The gourd tasted bitter because of its skin. It was HORRIBLE!! So lastly we decided only to have the gravvy cause nothing else in it was worth it. And it was a taste I cannot explain. It tasted like shoe I think. Dont know how shoe will taste. Like a sweaty, weird shoe which has walked 2 miles in hot sun. It was more horrible than the veggies. Thankfully though Beer was there and was the only reason I think we finished my first HOME-COOKED meal and my introduction to cooking.

When Ma called back it was again the same thing, she laughed and laughed and laughed. What to say eh?

I have come a long way since than. Chicken, Mutton, Fish, Puloa, Paneer, Continental. I have been certified by Auntie, Mum, Dad, my friends. Best day was when I cooked panner for dad and mum. Made a minor mistake but it was cool. And recently I cooked some nice Chicken curry & Kashmiri Puloa for my friends mum and got certified as a cook. 

Cooking is not that difficult after all. Cutting veggies still is!! I am going to order in now.